100 Best Schitt’s Creek Quotes

Best Quotes from “Schitt’s Creek”

One of the best gifts of “Schitt’s Creek” are the incredible lines from the creatives like Dan Levy and the rest of the writing team behind the show. “Schitt’s Creek” has the best quotes.

From one-liners like the infamous “Ew, David” to some of the long lines that we can’t forget having come from Moira, this show has left us with some of the best Schitt’s Creek quotes ever, which I colloquially call “The Schitt List.” We’ve compiled some of the most popular “Schitt’s Creek” quotes, including “Schitt’s Creek” inspirational quotes, for your enjoyment.

Here are more than 100 of our favorite quotes from “Schitt’s Creek.”

100+ Best “Schitt’s Creek” quotes

Moira Rose Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“David, stop acting like a disgruntled penguin”

“Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up!” 

“Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” 

“Where is bebe’s chamber?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCLxZyTCw1k

“How mercurial is life…we all imagine being carried from the ashes by the goddess Artemis and here I get a balatron from Barnum & Bailey.” 

Moira: “Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?” / Roland: “…That’s the sonogram of our baby!”

“I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.”

“Fear not, she hath risen!” 

“I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister.”

“There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” 

“Allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, “Oh, I’m too spooky,” or “Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,” but believe me: one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!’”

Alexis: “What’s your favorite season?” / Moira: “Awards.” 

“I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion? I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!”

“If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.”

“It’s probably nothing, but I think I’ve killed a MAN!” 

“I don’t know what to do, David. The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week!”

“A heavy salad might as well be a casserole.” 

“I would be pleased to RSVP as Pending.” 

“This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” 

“Why should I be the only one encumbered with this emotional cargo?”

“This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage… I was half expecting early Unabomber.”

“Let’s go. I’ve had enough waking hours for one day.”

“One must champion oneself and say, I am ready for this!”

“You must prepare for life, and whatever it will throw at you. The opportunities will diminish, and the ass will get bigger. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar it will! Especially yours. You’re going to have a huge ass.”

“I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It’s a new feeling for me, and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but is this car your home?”

“John, how was I to know you were in peril? You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!”

“What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.”

“Well, Jocelyn, there are certain things that are just not done: Smoking in a car with a baby—unless you crack a window; tipping before tax; mixing drinks with cola; and giving away a coat that doesn’t belong to you.”

“Okay, I’ve never ‘just packed a bag,’ so you might just have to give me a minute.”

“Oh, it’s always just a cold, John—until it’s full-blown typhoid!”

“Oh good, now I see bubbles. David! What does burning smell like?”

“I can’t feel my tongue. But I know it’s there because I’m talking.”

“Children, keep an eye on these bags. Apparently, in hell, there’s no bellman!”

“Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut!”

“We’re all pitching in these days, dear. Like communists or non-union actors.”

“Never let the bastards get you down!”

“Thank you for your pair of pennies.”

“Let’s not count our poultry before it’s incubated.”

“But you wouldn’t be the first hostage to fall in love with their captor.”

“Oh, someone has to hold it together. There’s a time and place for sentimentality, and your only son’s wedding day is hardly the moment.”

Alexis Rose Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“Ew, David!” 

“I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.”

“I wasn’t in rehab; I was at rehab, visiting Stavros.”

“Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this…Okay, like, I didn’t even choose this font! It’s horrible.”

“I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life, in really nice shoes.” 

“I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.”

“I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.’”

“Just remember: no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens, do not tell them your real name.”

“What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

“Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

“Yeah, no. I know composting. Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.”

“Stop doing that with your face.”

“You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.”

“So this is weird. Today marks the longest relationship I’ve ever voluntarily had with someone. Yeah, the actual longest relationship was a 3-month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last 2 months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.”

“Hello, my name is Alexis Rose represented by Alexis Rose Talent. I have chosen to perform the title track off of my critically reviewed, limited reality series, A Little Bit Alexis. Feel free to sing along if you know the words! 

I’m a Lamborghini/I’m a Hollywood star/I’m a little bit tipsy/when I drive my car/I’m expensive sushi/I’m a cute huge yacht/I’m a little bit single/even when I’m not/I’m a little bit/I’m a little bit/I’m a little bit/I’m a little bit/La la la la la la la/A little bit Alexis”  

“Trust me, no one is thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you.”

“He hasn’t even asked for my phone number, which in my experience means he’s either newly married or he’s gay.”

“It’s just a checkpoint, okay? I’ve been through tons of these in Johannesburg. Umm, it’s like a drive-thru, except everybody has a gun.”

“David, the pedals make it move more.”

“I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole, like, ‘Is she gonna be a princess’ thing…um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just, like, partying too hard.”

“But people love extreme vanity…and they love puppies!”

“My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.”

“Oh in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard.”

“Love that journey for me.”

“There is nothing wrong with asking for what you deserve.”

“But I LOVE your enthusiasm.”

 

Johnny Rose Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“Moira, you’re having a drink, you glance down at your coaster, it says, ‘tweet us on Facebook!’ Or uh, ‘leave us a review!’ And you say, yeah, yeah, okay, I think I will.”

“Well, David, these kinds of parties take time and planning. Now, when I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother’s 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.” 

“Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.”

“You’re not the only one with an online presence.”

“Welcome. Hope you’re enjoying the cinnamon buns and vodka. We thought it was festive in a Scandinavian sort of way.”

“A hashtag? Is that two words?”

“Oh, I know I don’t have any money, but I need to look like I don’t have money.”

“Tweet us on Facebook!”

“You’re not the only one with an online presence.”

Johnny: “My son is pansexual.” / Roland: “I know what that is. That’s umm, that cookware fetish.”

“We have money now, and the last thing I want is to leave town with a cheap-ass soggy wedding.”

 

David Rose Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“You might want to rethink the nightgown first — there’s a whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening. My best to Bob Cratchet.”

“I do drink red wine, but I also drink white wine. And I’ve been known to occasionally sample the rose, and a couple summers back I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay. I like the wine, not the label.”

“I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.”

“I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” 

“Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist and my mom dressed me well into my teens.”

“I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” 

“I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.” 

“Don’t be a little B!” 

“I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” 

“Fold in the cheese!”

 

“I’m a delightful half-half situation!”

“Very uninterested in that opinion.”

“I’m gonna need a stiff drink to get through this.”

“I don’t want this job.”

I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.”

“I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject. And by subject, I mean genuine human emotion.”

“He told me he doesn’t want my help, so I’m just going to play the supportive partner and watch him fail.”

“I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.”

“She sort of fades into the background after a while. You know, like a smoke alarm.”

“Let’s not ruin a meal by talking about the process.”

“I was perfectly fine not trusting people. Not trusting people is what I’m used to. It is my comfort zone.”

“The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you. A lot.”

“Come in, come in. Make yourself at home. There’s nothing in the fridge, and I marked the booze so I’ll know if you touch it!”

“It’s just one long string of really bad luck and I don’t know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula or a spin instructor or something.”

“You make me sound like a feral cat.”

“I’ve been burned so many times I’m like the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow.”

“I love our relationship. I love it when you order me pizza. I love when you use words like inventory! I even love those stupid rubber things you put on your fingers ’cause you think they flip the pages faster. They don’t flip the pages faster. They don’t flip the pages faster!”

“Funky is a neon T-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This is luxury.”

“We can talk about this anytime you’d like. Preferably not before 10 a.m., because I’m not really a morning person.”

“What kind of barnyard were you raised in?”

“You smell very flammable right now.” – to drunk Stevie

“The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.”

“I do not have a lot to my name right now, but I do have one thing: taste.”

“You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do. It’s easy.”

David: “I got these at a showroom in Paris.” / Stevie: “I got these on a clearance rack at Target.”

“Fall off a bridge, please.”

“Eat Glass”

“I’ve woken up in a Black Mirror episode.”

“I just assumed you knew what you were paying for!”

“Okay, Marcia Clark? Court’s adjourned for the day.”

“You’re walking me down the aisle in a wedding dress. Everyone is gonna think we’re getting married to each other.”

“Patrick Brewer, you are my happy ending”

Patrick Brewer Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“You’re my Mariah Carey”

“David, you have to stop watching Notting Hill. It’s not helpful for our relationship.”

Patrick: “We just need a body.” / David: “Then go to the morgue.”

“I’ve spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like, and then I met you. And everything changed. You make me feel right.”

“Do I wear my fringed vest? Or, more importantly, do I wear anything under it?”

“All I did was leave an envelope of cash and a note that said to take very good care of you. And now that I’ve said the words out loud, I can see how a certain kind of person would interpret that the wrong way.”

 

Stevie Budd Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“There’s something wrong with your face.”

“I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.”

“I’m only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.”

“You’d think there’d be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people’s families.”

“Uh, just give me a minute, because we’re only one small step above dial-up here.”

“Those would be Mardi Gras beads. Nanna Bud worked real hard for those.”

“That side of my family has a bit of a reputation for conflict. And philandering. And fraud. And gun-play.

“My car is worth less than your pants.”

“I’m incapable of faking sincerity.”

“It’s impossible to be in love with Jake, only Jake is in love with Jake. He’s just really good at celebrating my body. So, I’m keepin’ him around.”

“We’re drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.”

“Yeah, last week she told me to dance like an Indonesian scarf caught in the wind. I don’t even know what that looks like.”

“Warmest regards.”

 

 

Jocelyn Schitt Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“It’s just that I know what it’s like to be in bed with a naked Roland Schitt, and I am powerless against that.”

“You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.”

“The chocolates were a mistake.”

“Congratulations, Johnny, I never thought I’d see this little motel recognized for anything, besides the occasional cockroach.”

“Pick a safe word.”

“I actually wanted to do “Cats”, but everybody said that it was too political, so.”

“Sex puts me right to sleep. You should have lots and lots of sex.”

 

Twyla Sands Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“I heard that someone wants mozzarella sticks for their birthday. I’m pretty sure that I scraped most of the freezer burn off of those.”

“Between you and me, I know how hard it can be to pay off debt. My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he’s deaf, and he only speaks using sign language, but he made his choices.”

“My mom was engaged to two pizza delivery guys. Can that count? ‘Cause I am really thirsty.”

“Well, congratulations. Let me get the champagne. You guys are gonna love it. It’s the same one we use to celebrate my mom’s divorces.”

“In all honesty, Mutt was just a place holder. According to my tea leaves, the guy I’m supposed to marry is black, so…”

“Is everything okay? People were saying that a girl was struggling with her bike. I kinda just assumed it was a toddler.”

“Get the hell outta here, you dumb broad! That was another thing he used to say.”

“Okay, so I brought this pie from work but on the way, I realized I didn’t check what kind so there’s a 50/50 chance there’s meat in it.”

 

Roland Schitt Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“If you’re looking for an ass to kiss, it’s mine.”

“Oh no, we don’t mind you using our kitchen, as long as you make extra for us, and leave a ten spot over there for the hydro.”

“Yeah, uh, dark hair. Answers to the name “Stevie”. Um, kind of looks like a vampire. A little skittish when approached. Um, you know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but if you have a taser, you may want to use it.”

“Oh, uh, Joce wanted me to pick up uh, some of this. This organic applesauce. Organic. Listen to me! Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?”

“See, Johnny, the mayor of this town can’t use his real name to check into a love motel.”

 

Ted Mullens Schitt’s Creek Quotes

“If those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug.”

“You know, I have to say that I’m impressed. It’s not everyone who can tell an old woman that her cat is dead, and set up a love connection, and sell our most expensive marble urn in the same 3-minute conversation.”

“Oh no, don’t worry about that. After you used all of my booze for your punch, the only alcohol left in my fridge was a few of your rum, raspberry, coconut coolers. So I just polished them off, and it tasted like burnt plastic, and I regretted it instantly.”

“Knock, knock. Any room left at the inn?”

“Well, I started by drinking all four of those peach schnapps that you left in my fridge…”

Ted: I have to admit, Alexis, some of your questions were shockingly effective. I found it very telling how many people would just accept a cocktail from a total stranger. / Alexis: Hmm, thank you. / Ted: Who would’ve known that Paul was allergic to cats? What was he doing here?

“Well, I’ve seen worse. Fleas, ticks, worms. Granted, all of those were on house pets.”

“Well, what can I say, sometimes I like to live dangerously. While still respecting my personal boundaries.”

 

We’ve turned one of our favorite quotes into a coffee mug.

What are some of your favorite quotes from the show? Leave a comment below!